Saturday, 14 July 2012
Lose Weight by Removing 10 Useless Body Parts
So you say you want to lose weight but dieting and exercise just aren't your thing. Don't feel bad. Most folks are in the same boat. Many are firm believers of not running unless someone is chasing them. Sure, you'll live longer by exercising, but who wants to live longer if they spend that extra time in the gym? If people could live longer and lose weight by watching TV and eating nachos, well, that would be another story.
There's a better way to shed a few extra pounds you probably haven't considered. What do you do if you need to make room for new clothes in your closet? You go through it and throw out all the old stuff that doesn't fit or you don't wear anymore. To get rid of those unwanted pounds you could do the same thing with your body parts. There are dozens of extra parts that time and evolution have made obsolete. Here are ten you can start with:
1. Wisdom Teeth
An oral surgeon may disagree with this one. But in reality, the only thing they're good for is putting his kids through college. They stay buried under your gums for years. Finally, when they do pop out, they hurt like heck and you have to get them removed anyway.
2. The Appendix
Ancient humans used to need an appendix to digest plant material. Now that man gave up eating vegetables in favor of mono sodium glutamate and methylcyclopropene the organ doesn't even work anymore.
3. The Little Toe
Your little toe is only good for going wee wee wee all the way home. At one time it probably aided in the climbing of trees or peeling bananas. Now it just prohibits you from fitting into a smaller size shoe.
4. The Tail Bone
Although it would be really cool to have a tail and use it to pick things off the floor without bending over, most people don't have them. Thus, making the tailbone useless.
5. Body Hair
Mankind needed hair to keep warm before the invention of clothing. Since running around naked is frowned upon in most cultures, hair is also no longer useful. On some people, shaving off all their body hair could shed like ten or fifteen pounds.
6. Tonsils
Scientists don't even know what tonsils are for. The closest anyone can tell, the only thing they're good for is missing school and eating all the ice cream you want when you get them removed.
7. The Gallbladder
The gallbladder is a sac that hangs off to one side of the digestive system. It's like a break room for food traveling through your body. Food just hangs out there and doesn't really do anything. It's another organ whose only purpose is to pay for your doctor's new sports car.
8. Extrinsic Ear Muscles
Back in the day, man had to be on the look out for Sabre Tooth tigers and other creatures that wanted to eat him. Now that man has climbed his way to the top of the food chain, he no longer needs to direction his ears to be on the alert for danger. The only modern use of this muscle is betting people you can wiggle your ears and winning free drinks at bars.
9. Male Uterus
Yes, men have uteri. Everyone is the same in the womb. It just depends which parts develop that determines whether you turn out male or female. The fact that men still have this non-functioning part also explains why some of them cried at The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
10. Sinuses
Like tonsils, no one really knows exactly why sinuses are there other than to torture people with allergies.
Now, you might think removing useless organs to lose weight is a pretty ridiculous idea but you'll most likely consider it next time you're dieting and munching on some lettuce.
Alex Thorn is currently chained to his computer writing unique entertainment articles and reviews for his blog Klown's Thoughts. Visit http://klownsthoughts.com/ for free cotton candy and pony rides! The mind is a dark and dirty place and this is the web version.
World's Fastest Toilet - My Rear End!
Not long ago, on MSNBC (dot) com there was a viral video that showed a toilet on top of a go-cart which went at a very high speed. The video stated; "World's Fastest Toilet" but is it really - no way I say! First, Japan has toilets on several of their bullet trains moving at 200 plus miles per hour, but there are also toilets on the ISS, albeit high-tech toilets, and those toilets are in orbit at 17,000 miles per hour. Still, let's say it was the fastest toilet "On Earth" or on the ground - well, nope not even close to 200 mph, certainly not on a go-cart.
How about in the Earth's atmosphere? No, the Concorde had toilets on it, traveling faster than the speed of sound, also the B-1 Bomber has a toilet, which although the USAF does not publish the true speed of this bird, I dare say it blows away a bullet train, Concorde, and any other earthly vehicle.
The Space Shuttle has a toilet, but while it is launching you can't use it in the atmosphere, and all the astronauts are strapped in for landing so it is the fastest unusable toilet in that case, but it's still faster than the go-cart speed demon sitting on the commode traveling around an oval track, by the way he wasn't using it either, he was too busy driving!
So, whereas it is nice to see everyone in the media make a play for the dummed down Internet Surfer and trying to get their little viral videos going using juvenile humor, let's leave the real speed records to the adults of the high tech world, not some yahoo that graduated from a garden tractor with a beer "drink holder" to a racing style go-cart with a toilet bolted to it.
I mean give me a break and speaking of breaks I hate to remind the Facebook crowd that it is probably time you got a job - before you forward me anymore of these inane videos - they just are not funny any longer - it's getting rather pathetic.
The social media crowd's crappy choices in viral videos aren't much better than their political choices when voting if you ask me, and I know you didn't but, I am telling you anyway, so please get a life. Oh and stop recommending Facebook stock and no, I don't want to "friend" you on any silly social network.
Lastly, before I let you go here, the Earth is spinning at over 600 mph, and the planet is going around the Sun at 10s of thousands of miles per hour, and the Sun is going around the Milky Way at some believe to be 45,000 miles per hour, so by the time you've completed your business - let's just say that toilet has traveled quite a ways my friend - think about it.
Well, that's it for now, so please consider all this and think on it, because a brain is a terrible thing to waste, but hey maybe you do need a good flush?
Lance Winslow has launched a new provocative series of eBooks on Future Concepts. Lance Winslow is a retired Founder of a Nationwide Franchise Chain, and now runs the Online Think Tank; http://www.worldthinktank.net/
Capitalism's BAD, N'kay?
The Wealth-Mongerers Are Back At It!
June Sixth, 2012: a day which will live in INFAMY! See, what had happened was, in a sudden and deliberate attack on socialist progressivism, the stock market actually skyrocketed UP by almost three hundred points. Just when we thought we'd finally made things fair by villifying capitalism and banishing prosperity to the ash-heap of history (the market had given back all its ill-gotten 2012 gains just a few days before), this has to go and happen.
If you've been watching South Park, or MSNBC, you would've learned that capitalism is BAD... n'kay? We know this because the Demediacrat information professionals have told us so. You're not supposed to get a job. You're not supposed to make investments. You're supposed to go occupy a sidewalk and wait for manna from Heaven (or the federal government). It's a new world - wealth is dead, and entitlement is all the rage. Right-wingers blame this on the president, whom they deride as the statists' "messiah" - but, though Mr. Obama is indeed the Reason for the Seizin', he's only one important part of a huge, century-long progressive movement that's brought us to this new Utopia.
So what caused that sudden outburst of prosperity on the sixth? The media were quick to explain that it happened because the Investment Community (again, I thought we'd eliminated those guys), which had lost all faith in Europe's ability to de-Greece itself, suddenly stopped being afraid of all that. That may seem unlikely; but for sure, you shouldn't believe the uptick had anything whatsoever to do with what had happened the day before, in a certain gubernatorial recall election in a certain state that we won't mention. Ever again.
No, we won't mention that state's name, but it's based on the word "Wisconsin," which is an old Native American term meaning "in your face, union grafters." It's weird, because that state was pretty-much the birthplace of progressivism. Just a couple elections ago, in 1924, that state's radical-leftist senator, "Fighting Bob" La Follette, narrowly missed becoming president! Fighting Bob was the candidate of both the Progressive and Socialist parties, and he racked up five million votes and carried the unnamed state in question (true story). Together with what Democrat John Davis got that year, it still wouldn't have been enough to beat the whacky Republican incumbent, "Silent Cal" Coolidge (who was the original enemy of public-sector unions). But the point is, it was a darn good try!
So no, the unnamed state's recent zaniness had nothing to do with the stock market calamity of 6/6. Maybe the Demediacrats are right - we just stopped being worried about Greece. Or maybe it was due to the 68th anniversary of D-Day (come to think of it, I believe the 68th is the "Electronically-Traded Fund Anniversary," along the same traditional lines as the 25th "Silver" and 50th "Golden" Anniversaries). Maybe it was a right-wing demonstration to mark Rush Limbaugh's second ("Cotton") wedding anniversary. And let's not forget the queen's Diamond Jubilee! It's possible investors grew momentarily nostalgic for the failed institutions of the past, such as the British monarchy, the American military, traditional marriage, and private wealth. Who knows?
But certainly, it had nothing to do with exuberance over the resurgence of fiscal sanity in a certain cheese-headed Midwestern state. No, sir. We should all mourn the loss of that election, and then get back to the noble work of dismantling America. Yes, we (still) can!
Michael Hume is a speaker, writer, and consultant specializing in helping people maximize their potential and enjoy inspiring lives. As part of his inspirational leadership mission, he coaches executives and leaders in growing their personal sense of well-being through wealth creation and management, along with personal vitality.
Michael and his wife, Kathryn, divide their time between homes in California and Colorado. They are very proud of their offspring, who grew up to include a homemaker, a rock star, a service talent, and a television expert. Two grandchildren also warm their hearts! Visit Michael's web site at http://michaelhume.net/
Calling All Genuinely Normal People, Who Is Strange Among You?
What is normal anyway? If there was a genuine way to gauge normal, then the genuinely strange would be acceptable and even interesting. But, since there is not any such thing as normal, it is what everyone wants. Like the forbidden fruit that is impossible to get. The donkey and the carrot stick that is impossible to get for that donkey can apply here too. So, I will tell you what normal really is in this society, after seeing "everything". It is unattainable, and anyone who comes close to it is dysfunctional or sick somewhere in there. Know it.
Normal is just synonymous with functional, that is it. Indeed, even a somewhat badly running car can run and be functional or normal. My point is, "normal" means nothing. "Normal" is just the castle made of sand that gets washed out to the sea once the abnormality is found. Indeed, normal is a very delicate thing, especially when you want to hide your abnormality of any sort.
So, this article is made to shock you out of sleep. That is why it is so strangely written, without seeming cadence or rhythm. So, that brings me to a point. What are normal, moral thoughts? Do we only practice normal, moral thoughts to seem normal and moral, or are we really, really hiding something. What is that deep, dark secret that hides within our motives. Even the supposed best of us (this is where the humor really kicks in): politicians, sports stars, heroes, the great, the most normal people with nothing wrong are a little screwy there. So, I will say this: Turn to the supposed worst of us all: The misfits, the weird people, the strange, the yogi, the monk, the strange and sly person who is slippery and strange, because within the weird with nothing to hide, you find the most normal people. I found this true, honest and real in Middle School and High School especially.
I mean this to be an uncomfortably revealing article. Because we all need to get down to the real sometime. Not just today, but all the time so that we can genuinely reach that revered state called "normal and comfortable". So, I will give one last anecdote about myself.
Recently, I discovered an intolerance of other human beings within myself that I had to get rid of. Call it a prejudice. Well, it is gone, I will just say that. And when I say that, I can honestly say that I can accept all people with love for what they are and what they are not. I genuinely understand. Need I say more?
My name is Joshua Clayton, I am a freelance writer based in Inglewood, California. I also write under a few pen-names and aliases, but Joshua Clayton is my real name, and I write by that for the most part now. I am a philosophical writer and objective thinker and honest action taker. I also work at a senior center in Gardena, California as my day job, among other things, but primarily I am a writer. This article is dedicated to The Strategy Center, Gabriel Strachota, and all of my good "weird" friends there and elsewhere. I also include myself as one of my "weird" friends.
Something To Make You Chuckle
I have three things today that I hope give you a chuckle or at least make you smile. Life can be so serious so much of the time that it's nice to get a tickle whenever you can. Laughter is good for the soul. It produces feel good chemicals in your body and helps relieve stress. I love it for the feel good chemicals that it produces. Did you know there is even a Laughter Meditation? Yep, that's right; all you do is laugh through out the entire meditation.
LAUGHTER MEDITATION
Laughter Meditation is simple and really easy. You can start out by smiling. I am smiling now even as I am typing this, getting ready for the great time that I am going to have. Smiling is good for you too by the way, it immediately changes your mood and brain chemistry. Just try to be mad or upset while you are genuinely smiling. Can't happen, you'll probably bust out laughing because it's so ridiculous. So after smiling just open your mouth and say Ha. This action should make your abs contract inward. Oh yes laughing is a great work out for your abs also. All that contracting and releasing makes for a pretty good work out to support any other abdominal work out you are doing. So just string a bunch of HaHaHaHa together and you have a laugh. Try it and see. Hope you have a great time.
SILLY THINGS YOU THINK AS A CHILD
When I was a child I would freak out and panic every time I accidentally swallowed a watermelon seed. I thought that a big huge watermelon would then grow in my tummy. I asked my husband did he think the same thing when he was little and he cracked up. It's crazy to think that now as an adult but in a kid's mind it is very believable.
THINGS PEOPLE SAY
"I don't care if I'm just getting up to go to the bathroom in the morning, I always wear heels" - Emily Maynard, "The Bachelorette". I read this and started laughing so hard. I just loved it. It spoke to the girly girl part of me. I love being a woman! I love how we can shake and shimmie and wear heels and pants and flowing frilly things that shine and look absolutely gorgeous. I love bunches of curls, loose and cascading down my back and just flowing. And I absolutely love whipping my head so the hair can move and seeing other sisters do it to (they don't have to be blood or African American, all females are my sisters).
So the above statement bought all of this up for me reminding me why it's great to be a girl, a woman a female and all the wonderful things that go along with it.
I hope you enjoyed this and it really gave you a chuckle or at least made you smile. I hope it made you think of things that feel good and if it didn't think of something that does now. Your thoughts and comments are encouraged and appreciated so please feel free to do so. Have a wonderful and spectacular day!
Funny Card Ideas for a Birthday
People have been sending greetings cards to each other for years. For as long as I've been around which is at least 30 years at least. However they date back much further than that, in fact reports suggest they go back as far as the 1400's when the Chinese sent each other messages of goodwill.
Since I was a kid and indeed over the years as I grew up I've seen them change and evolve. Today these birthday cards tend to be more colourful, funnier and often ruder. We've also seen the introduction of musical or audio based cards and the emergence of e-cards which are sent via email. Indeed funny ones have definitely seen growth in terms of sales. They appeal to many people looking to make people laugh and have fun.
In fact, a recent study carried out by a UK based card comedy card designer found that after asking over 200 potential birthday card recipients 79% of them preferred humorous, funny ideas over traditional ones.
The popularity of e-cards has not taken off as well as the industry had hoped. In the same study it was discovered that out of the 200 potential birthday card recipients a staggering 81% of people felt they would be disappointed to receive an e-card. The majority of reasons cited for this reaction would often be put down to them often being free, with nothing physical to hold or indeed show off at home. Some felt that e-cards lacked a personal touch. These results go some way to explaining why e-cards do not sell well and why posted greetings and birthday cards are constantly rising in sales figures every year despite the economic climate and rising postage costs.
Many recipients prefer ruder cards. Sales of rude comedy and adult birthday and greetings cards have certainly risen over the last 10 years and continue to do so. Whilst it was originally widely believed that adult cards would mainly appeal to men, recent studies have shown that in fact the sales figures between men and women tend to be very close. These results also suggest that funny, rude, adult cards appeal to both men and women whether they are purchasing or receiving them.
When looking at ages of the recipients, there were also similar wide ranged results. Surprisingly even those over the age of 60+ said they enjoyed receiving funny, rude, adult cards for birthdays. These results show that they really do appeal to almost everyone.
The trick to buying them of course is identifying the recipient's sense of humour. Indeed this can be the hardest aspect of card buying. Traditional non-adult sensible ones are very safe and appeal to purchasers for this very reason. There is a much lower chance of causing offence for example. However, these cards are far less enjoyed by the recipient for obvious reasons.
If you're looking for funny card ideas for a birthday, make sure you know your recipient and tailor your purchase to their sense of humour. Once you've tackled that, you're well away with many choices of original funny design ideas.
By Chris Chillingworth
Looking for funny, humorous, rude and generally offensive greetings cards? Take a look at http://www.cuberootcards.co.uk/ and browse through our collection of £1.99 funny cards for Birthdays, Fathers Day, Valentines, Christmas, Halloween, Driving Tests, Travelling, Leaving Work and every other occasion you can imagine. All cards are unique, original and are designed and sold by Cuberoot only. So you can be sure your recipient has never come across it before. Buy your funny card today and make sure it's the best one they receive. http://www.cuberootcards.co.uk/
6 Perfect Excuses to Stay in Bed
It has happened to all of us, the morning comes and we're faced with the reality of leaving our beautiful bed behind. The pillow we have become so attached to overnight is bracing itself for a goodbye. It's a painful experience that can haunt us forever. However, stay in bed and we feel guilty for not seizing the day. Well, what if there were perfectly good reasons to stay in bed? Read on to rest your conscience when you're spending some extra 'quality time' with your comfy friend.
Sleep is healthy
It's true. A lack of sleep can affect your ability to focus and can reduce your productivity. It can also limit your body's ability to repair itself. So next time you feel you should get up, don't, and be safe in the knowledge that you're healing your body.
You'll reduce stress
Stress is the one of the main causes of illness and disease. Being over-stressed can literally kill us. What better way to reduce stress than by spending a few extra hours relaxing in bed? You'll be prolonging your life if you do.
Make a few calls
There's nothing stopping you from getting stuff done from your bed. If you have bills to pay or have to have that dreaded weekly chat with your mother-in-law, then why not get this done with your phone in your hand and your head still resting comfortable on that pillow.
You'll save money
Staying in bed can be like a savings account. There's no need to worry about the prospect of getting up and then needlessly spending your hard earned cash out of boredom. Many people buy unnecessarily because they have nothing better to do with their time than shop. Stay in bed and watch the paper pile up.
You can educate yourself
We could all benefit from learning new things. So next time you're out and about why don't you buy an educational book on a subject that you take interest in. Then, when it comes to getting up in the morning, you'll have a perfect excuse to stay in bed and be bettering yourself and your brain in the process.
You'll be saving the environment
We all need to be more aware of our carbon dioxide emissions. Well, there really can't be a better way to reduce your carbon footprint than refusing to step out of bed. You won't be switching on electrical appliances, driving your car, or doing anything else that can harm the environment. If we all stayed in bed we'd be carbon neutral in no time at all.
So next time you're telling yourself staying in bed is bad, or someone else is telling you to get out of bed, fire off these excuses and prove your point. Oh, and if you want to be extra comfy then consider a mattress enhancer from Landmark Linen. However, be warned, you may never get out of bed again!
http://www.landmarklinencompany.com/
Twice The Crime, In Half The Time!
The Amazing Destructive Power Of Fundamental Transformation
President Obama has already etched his name in the history books, with an unrivaled legacy of accomplishment. He's done more to fundamentally transform America (as he promised he would) than all the other dictators who've ever tried, from King George III to Kim Jong Il. And in less than four short years! No wonder this year's election finds him the overwhelming favorite of key constituents, including former Soviet premier Mikhail Gorbachev.
Hey, speaking of the president's campaign promises, much has been spoken recently about the promise he made in 2008 that he'd "cut the deficit in half." Republicans, tea partiers, people who own a business, talk radio hosts, and other enemies of the revolution keep bringing it up, like it's going to hurt the Obama juggernaut. But the fact is, we all misunderstood that 2008 promise. What he meant was, he'd cut in half the TIME it would take to DOUBLE the deficit. Which is exactly what he did! It took his predecessor eight years (including two with a spendthrift liberal Congress) to ratchet up four trillion (with a "trill") in new U.S. debt, leaving us with an $8 trillion problem Mr. Obama called "unpatriotic." He meant that Bush didn't dig that hole near deep enough! Piker! Mr. Obama, by the end of his first term, will have doubled the deficit George W. Bush left him in 2009.
And consider all the other campaign promises Mr. Obama made four years ago which we are now misremembering. Eliminate earmarks? You mean accelerate them! No lobbyists in my White House? You mean a newfangled spoils system under which any new hires had to have sparkling lobbyist credentials! Close Gitmo? You mean sign an executive order to close Gitmo, but not actually allow it to be closed! End the wars? You mean extend them, and invite the Taliban back into power in Afghanistan! Restore America's world standing? You mean establish America's world bowing! Unemployment will never go above eight percent? You mean it'll never go BELOW eight percent... and it never has! Bam!
Yes, if there's ever been a man of his word out there on the campaign trail, it's been Barack H. Obama. And people who had no hope and change four years ago now have plenty of both. People who don't think they can take care of themselves are flocking to Mr. Obama's loser-friendly message by the dozens. People who will occupy anything but a job can't wait to return the president for four more glorious years!
People like Gorbachev, for instance.
As we learn daily in the national media, there's nothing wrong with America today that can't still be blamed on the guy who left the country in such a mess almost four years ago. You remember - when gas was around $1.90, unemployment was around four percent, and our national deficit was around $8 trillion. Look at any of these indicators, and it's easy to see why Demediacrats everywhere say Barack Obama is twice the president Bush was! And in half the time! Only hard-core capitalist pigs want that Bush mess back. And how.
Michael Hume is a speaker, writer, and consultant specializing in helping people maximize their potential and enjoy inspiring lives. As part of his inspirational leadership mission, he coaches executives and leaders in growing their personal sense of well-being through wealth creation and management, along with personal vitality.
Michael and his wife, Kathryn, divide their time between homes in California and Colorado. They are very proud of their offspring, who grew up to include a homemaker, a rock star, a service talent, and a television expert. Two grandchildren also warm their hearts! Visit Michael's web site at http://michaelhume.net/
Cyberspace Confessions
Most of us would agree that we "behave" very differently online than we would in real life. It's easier to type an email than to make a phone call. It's easier to "scream" (IN CAPS LIKE THIS) and throw insults on a blog than in a conference room. In that sense, this anonymity makes us more honest because we do not fear the immediate consequences. And it's led to us being more candid about what lurks deep inside us than ever.
It's no surprise you'll find just about every kind of site catering to every type of person out there in the realm of cyberspace. You'll find every social interest, every kind of product, every fetish of porn, every niche of support group. And hence, you'll find every type of human being mired by every type of mental psychosis known to man. Confession sites, where people post anonymous entries outlining their deepest darkest bouts of shame and sin, make for fascinating reading (although somewhat humorously depressing, depending on how you look at it).
Although some confession sites are meant more as support groups, designed to promote a certain level and atmosphere of interaction between its members, the most intriguing ones play on the fact that the confessions are supposed to be anonymous. That is, it's extremely one-sided and blunt in its presentation, and its content is in the realm of the "extreme". Everything from sex affairs, fetishes, people stealing candy from children, self-hatred and loathing, girls with body issues, born again christian prostitutes, plastic surgery gone wrong, drug addicts, and on and on and on. Some of them are quite commonplace things we can relate to, such as dating someone behind your friend's back, stealing from work, laughing at someone or something and feeling guilty about it afterwards, one-night stands and so forth. But some are so completely off the wall that it begs the question, "What does this person look like in real life?" They would look quite ordinary, in fact, which makes their confessions all the more disturbing. True, there is an undeniably serious element to people's deep-seated problems, but their exhibition into cyberspace pushes it to the borderline of shameful humor and joy, schadenfreude.
Although its impossible to ever tell if these stories are true (though why would they lie if it's completely anonymous to begin with), they are nevertheless a great source of entertainment when you want to reassure yourself that there is always someone worse off than yourself.
LessProud.com is an archive of cyberspace confessions of sloth, greed, envy, pride, lust, gluttony, anger and anything else. Browse anonymously and post anonymously (no account sign up). Sometimes the best way to boost your morale is to read the confessions of the truly wretched amongst us.
http://www.lessproud.com/
Ice Skating Practice
As usual when July arrives in Florida, the hot sticky humidity revives my reverie of wintry nights while growing up in Ohio. We used to meet down by the snow white river banks of Big Walnut Creek and skate on its frozen surface. Ice skating is great fun and a good way to improve the condition of your heart and lungs and to improve your circulation. Even if you don't skate, just going out onto the ice and struggling to remain standing will give you a brisk workout and raise your heart rate. Ice Skating benefits the muscles in your lower body, especially your quadriceps, and your hind end from in a slightly squatted position. You will burn quite a lot of calories on the ice. There is much to be gained from ice skating.
Now back to my story. My high school friend, Fred, was a first-class roller skater. In the roller rink he could dazzle us all with his agility. He could do all the cool moves like forward and backward stroking, turns, crossovers, jumps and spins and come to sudden stops. When I tried those tricks all I did was fall on my face. But then, I was a better ice skater that a roller skater.
A few years after high school, Fred became a member of a church that planned to have an ice skating party. Ice skating is a lot different from roller skating in that your ankles are only supported by a single blade as opposed to the four wheels of a roller skate. Fred had difficulty ice skating because his ankles were a too weak to balance on one blade. So Fred, not wanting to be embarrassed with his lack of ice skating skills, decided to do some late night practicing on Big Walnut Creek in preparation for the event.
Now, my ice skating was nothing to crow about, which necessitated me to seek a little late night practice on Big Walnut. As I moved about on the ice, executing my wanting talent one late winter's night, I saw, some two hundred yards in the distance by the light of a full gleaming moon, the form of a person attempting to balance on skates while tripping and stumbling head-over-heels. It was quite a hilarious sight. As the figure came closer, I was able to make out that it was a man dressed in a heavy parka with a wind muffler swathed around his neck. A few seconds latter I was able to hear the scuffling, scraping sound of his skate blades on the ice as if he were having great difficulty maintaining his equilibrium. Soon he was moving toward me, unaware that he was being watched as he wildly danced on the ice with all limbs flailing. Then the sound of his heavy breathing and the steam emanating from the collar of his coat signaled his exhaustion. Suddenly it occurred to me that the body of this locomotive was careening straight at me and I immediately needed to move either to one side or the other, but was bitten by the fear of the impending collision and froze in my skates. I heard the dull scrape of the toe of his skate as the man fell forward and spun in midair landing on his back. THUD! He slid a few yards and stopped just next to my feet lying face up. I gasped with alarm and looked to see if the poor fellow was hurt. Looking down at the man, I recognized the features of a friend's face. After we exchanged puzzled looks for a second, the man, embarrassed, flashed a familiar mouthful-of-teeth grin which, to my surprise, belonged to my friend Fred.
"Hi Mel," he said.
"Fred! 's that you?"
Fred finally made it to his skating party; but not without some more practice.
Here are some tips for learning to ice skate. As in Fred's case, it is recommended to develop strong ankles before you venture out on the ice. Poor ankle strength may or may not be something you can not correct; depending on your build and makeup. But if you are looking to impress your friends with your speed and skating dexterity like my friend Fred; it is essential. You do not have to be an expert to enjoy the game. You will become more proficient as you practice and gain experience.
If you do venture out onto the ice and have a few falls. Don't give up, there is something very special about ice skating; sort of romantic. Especially at night, by the light of a full moon, down by the snow white banks of your favorite creek.
Mel Jackson is a writer and former radio broadcaster, social worker, circus promoter and resides in Florida. He is the author of the book, "Runaway," about a young boy's longing for the love of his father. For more information click here http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004THZ4OW
Funny Questions About Life Part 7
You've waited, you've counted the days, you've thought to yourself, "Is that all there is to the funny questions of life?" Man, you sure have a lot of time on your hands. But no worries, your wait has paid off. Yes, it's that time again when we ask those absurd questions that can't be answered. And do you know why we ask them? Because you the reader demand it! Well, that and we had some spare time of our own to kill. So, lookout! Here comes, FUNNY QUESTIONS OF LIFE - Part 7!
Group 1: Why aren't marbles made of marble? What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? What is a picture of a thousand words really worth? What do you use to clean a soap stain? How do you throw out a recycling bin?
Group 2: Captain Hook's name before he got the hook? Why can't you put garbage in a garbage disposal? Why does Bugs Bunny walk around naked, but put on a bathing suit when he goes swimming? Why do some dangerous products say, "If swallowed, do not induce vomiting"? Wait, what? We're just supposed keep it inside?
Group 3: Is it possible to plan ahead in order to be spontaneous? Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks? What did they call antiques back in the old days? If you have a bad memory, does that mean you also have a clear conscience?
Group 4: What would you get if you mated a Bulldog with a Shih Tzu? (think about it) Why does night fall while day breaks? If someone at the Better Business Bureau cheats you, where do you file a complaint? Why doesn't the glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Is it possible to be un-thirsty?
Group 5: How come no one eats the last bite of food on the appetizer plate? Why do manufacturer's plastic bags state, "Warning: this is not a toy"? Do they think we're going to make balloon animals out of them? Why does the phone and/or doorbell ring the moment you sit down in front of the television with a plate full of food?
Group 6: Why do most customer service messages state, "This call may be recorded for quality purposes" but the quality never improves? How can you prove there are actually two scoops of raisins in Raisin Brand Cereal? Why do they call it a hot water heater? If the water was already hot, it wound't need a heater. Why are oriental rug stores always having "going out of business" sales, but they never seem to close?
And that's a wrap for all those funny questions of life that can't be answered, at least for the moment. But please, feel free to visit or revisit parts 1 through 6 and laugh your ass off. And once done, we would greatly appreciate it if you'd send a picture of your ass-less backside to: Funny Questions About Life for everyone's entertainment pleasure. Please be advised your ass-less picture will not be returned. Legal disclaimer: Funny Questions cannot guarantee you'll find these questions funny or even remotely related to your life. In the event neither applies, we suggest you get a life. This article will self destruct in 15 seconds...fourteen... thirteen....
Hal Eisenberg is an award winning copywriter and author. To read even more Funny Questions About Life, go to: http://www.funny-questions.blogspot.com/
The Art of the Funny Prank
I've discovered old Candid Camera episodes on YouTube. And I miss Captain Jenks from the Howard Stern show. These people knew the art of the prank.
Pranks aren't always clean. They aren't always nice and they are rarely without repercussions. That's what makes them so amusing. The guy doing the prank usually knows there will be a backlash.
Guys if you want to play good pranks, specially kids get an adult with sound judgment involved, do not get into trouble and don't be disrespectful. Some pranks create great laughs all around others well. April Fool's day is legally allowed to play jokes and pranks on your friends, family and co-workers and have a built-in excuse.
One can find the list of good pranks on the internet.
It made me think of the 5 things that define the art of the funny prank.
1) Mellow lead up.
The best pranks have a very mellow beginning. A quiet dinner. A stroll through the park, etc. It's a must to start slow.
2) Something completely out of place.
A prank can't even survive unless something unexpected happens. A nice guy gets into a fight. A gorilla gets loose in a butterfly sanctuary. You know, it needs to be completely out of left field.
3) The victim must be an empathetic person.
A funny prank is made 20 times funnier when you see the shock and awe on the victims face. In order to be shocked by a prank you must choose someone who will truly be filled with empathy when he sees the world crumbling in front of him.
4) Confusion and Chaos
Funny pranks make great use of chaos. This is the best way to make sure the victim will not catch on that it's a prank. When there is too much information coming at them, they have little time to process the fact that they are being punked. So keep it crazy at the height of the prank
5) An easy escape
The best pranks you will see have an easy and fast escape button. Don't let the prank get out of hand and make sure all the 'players' know the ending signal. After all you want to get to the best part... that's when you look at your friend with a big grin and he realizes what has happened.
If you follow these five simple steps you too can perpetuate a funny prank.
Good luck!
Chester Dickfield editor at Shcoon.com. Best website to buy prank and funny prank
The Christmas Maniac
I am a professional entertainer, playing the piano and singing for many years, and find my most important quality is dependability. However, I may have carried this attribute a little too far on one occasion.
During the 1995 pre-Christmas rush of shopping, entertaining and sprucing up the house for the holidays, my schedule became absolutely crazy. A week before Christmas, after an especially wild day of completing all of these tasks, I gratefully laid my head down on a pillow for a good night's sleep.
I have two wonderful dogs -- a Golden Retriever named L.T., and a Bassett Hound called Bappy Hoopdish. Now, these two girls are great examples of what each breed instinctively does: the Golden retrieves, and the Hound steals.
At approximately 4:30 A.M., as I was blissfully snoring away, my sleep became sharply interrupted by a pain in my jaw due to gnashing on my lower denture. In my foggy state, I grabbed the lower plate out of my mouth, placed it on the nearest coffee table, and resumed snoring.
By 10:30 A.M., I awakened to discover my bottom teeth were gone. In a state of blind frenzy, I started overturning couches, ripping pillows off chairs, and inspecting every corner of the room. Nothing! I was sure the teeth somehow got knocked off the table and onto the floor, so they had to be there! I tried to remember what happened in the middle of my slumber, but drew an absolute blank. I then started tearing the rest of the house apart, room-by-room, thinking the Bassett Hound had snuck up on the coffee table, grabbed my teeth, and found a great hiding place for her newly found treasure.
During this melee, the two dogs innocently watched me go nuts.
After vacuuming the whole house and ripping everything apart -- still no teeth. Panic set in, as I was due to perform that evening. I wondered if I could possibly pull it off if I didn't sing or talk to anyone, and smile only with my mouth shut.
By six o'clock that evening, doom set in and I prepared to dress for work, practicing my closed-mouth smile in the mirror. I was ready to swear off reliability for life, but couldn't afford to miss the night's salary as the money had already been spent on Christmas gifts.
"Would someone help me get through this??" I didn't know who I was talking to, but my eyes were raised up to the heavens. "I need some assistance here!"
I went to work because I had to be dependable.
Having somehow gotten through that night on the piano, I did not have to perform until three days later. I came home determined to find the blasted teeth, and was also getting very hungry. Three days went by, and still no sign of my lower denture. I knew, after eliminating every possibility, including ghosts, that one of my dogs did it. Which one, and how? It was time to psychoanalyze the darn dogs.
1. The Golden Retriever:
a. Wonderful, sweet dog -- wouldn't do anything wrong, except take my belongings and carry them around.
b. Never had a litter, so she thinks these items are her babies.
c. Collects all of her babies in a pile, in the garage!!
I ran outside and ripped the garage apart and found nothing, except a ball, a pair of laundered tube socks, and a wet dishtowel.
2. The Bassett Hound:
a. Highly intelligent -- everything belongs to her.
b. Steals every toy that comes into the house, and remembers where her hiding places are located
c. Loves to dig in the dirt!! OH, NO!!!
Could both dogs have done it? Impossible!! But wait -- the teeth were put on the table at 4:30 A.M. and the Golden went out at about 7:00 A.M. The Bassett woke up a little later, and also went outside. Hmmm...
I went out to the snow-covered back yard with my shovel, followed by the two frolicking dogs. If I had to turn the whole yard over in the middle of December, I would do it!!
By this time, I was pretty sure of what happened. L.T. thought the lower denture was a new toy, and took the teeth into the garage during the early morning hours and stashed it with her 'babies'. Bappy went out later and found the teeth just lying there, and decided to bury them.
As I started digging, the Golden just watched me. But, the Bassett started slinking around to her hiding places, checking on her buried treasures. From place to place, she nosed the ground until she finally came to a favorite spot in the dirt. She nudged the snow with her nose, and I ran forth with my shovel, digging into her hiding place, and found... a pull toy just recently purchased.
"Don't you touch that!!!!" I yelled to my very unhappy hound, who didn't like me messing around with her stuff.
While my back was turned, she snuck up and grabbed the dirty toy, sneaking around the yard once again to find a place to re-bury the darn thing. I watched her from the corner of my eye. From place to place she slunk, until I saw her nose push the dirt in an attempt to hide the pull toy once again... Running over with my shovel, I carefully dug down six inches through the snow and dirt, and found... My teeth!
After many rewards to the guilty dogs, much scrubbing off grime caked into my bottom denture (and who knows what else), I finally sterilized them in boiling water, then in a glass of Brandy, and went to work that evening.
The show must go on.
Bobbee Cera has been a professional entertainer on the piano for more than fifty years along the Jersey Shore. In addition, she has painted animal portraits for clients around the country, lectures and teaches piano and art to students "Wishbones and Miracles" (ISBN 978-1-4363-1232-5 ) reflects many hilarious events that occurred while she was performing on the piano, including some of the lessons she learned about herself during her career. The book also contains original full-color illustrations which she painted. For more information about the author or to purchase her book, go to her website at: http://www.bobbeecera.com/.
The Fear and Art of Stand Up Comedy
The fear and art of stand up comedy and why you should do have a go.
Ever been to see a stand up show and had a hurt belly after? Every taken time to consider what goes into standing on a stage all by yourself with the sole aim to make people laugh? Ever thought it would be the scariest thing anyone could do? Ever thought you should have a go?
Most art forms of a high quality produce something that appears effortless and easy. Stand up comedy is no different. All great artists make things look easy, but like the great painters, the reality is the comedian/comedienne will have taken quite an internal journey to get themselves on to the stage and get their mouths to open.
And yet what is life if it's not to try things that scare us so much. What's the worst thing that can happen?
Many people have that list. You know the one where you list all the things you should do before you die. The bucket list. And on those lists are the usual: bungee jump, swim with dolphins, see the pyramids, learn to dive, jump out of plane, make love in the grand canyon. But few write on that list, stand on stage and see if you can make people laugh.
Why not? It's not nearly as dangerous as most of the things on the list. The worst might have been the throwing of the rotten tomatoes, but that went out back in the seventeenth century.
And yet people cringe at the idea of going on stage.
Which is why one autumn I started a twelve week course with a rather well known stand up comedy teacher which propelled me onto a stage in front of 300 people dong a three minute stand up skit.
It's the scariest thing I've ever done. It's the scariest thing that the other 12 people back stage have ever done. I know this because I watched how each person dealt with the stress. Some kept repeating their lines quietly, some simply rocked silently, another couldn't stop talking. I'd tell you what I was doing but my memory is a blank. The kind when you were younger and you got so drunk that only snippets flash back in your memory.
The key to stand up comedy is to talk about the world how you see it and then give it a twist. That means that though the stories are not always true, they are as close as can be to factual truth because a good stand up comic has to expose themselves otherwise they will not believed.
And you know what is really interesting? If you have ever laughed at anything, you have the capability to do a stand up - even if it's only three minutes.
So feel the fear and expose yourself. It's very cathartic. I recommend it.
I don't know if I will ever stand up on stage again. I kind of hope so. However it has propelled me into doing a weekly comedy podcast show http://www.the-brit-and-the-american.com/. So as is true with everything in life it's all just one stepping stone nearer something else and you just have to take the next step.
The fear and art of stand up comedy and why you should do have a go.
Ever been to see a stand up show and had a hurt belly after? Every taken time to consider what goes into standing on a stage all by yourself with the sole aim to make people laugh? Ever thought it would be the scariest thing anyone could do? Ever thought you should have a go?
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